Sternberg of love

2. Theory of Love as a Story

Ask around, and you will find that people’s perceptions and notions of the definition of love is shaped mostly by the stories that they see, hear, read about, or witness firsthand. Humans are naturally observant, and they easily draw conclusions from those observations, so they take all the things that they learn about love in all the stories they are exposed to, and they start to mentally draw a picture of what love is.

Thus, when they start to look for love for themselves, or seek partners, they use that picture they drew in their head as a basis or standard. For example, a young woman grew up in a loving family, with parents that do not hesitate to express their affection for each other. She was raised reading fairy tales, with stories of princesses living happily ever after with their respective princes. As an adult, she also witnessed her older siblings making great matches in their marriages and watched as they started their own families.

All these painted in her mind the image of love being associated with shared laughter and loving smiles, warm hugs and soft caresses, and bright airy homes with white picket fences. It’s pleasant, it’s safe, and it’s tranquil. This is her notion of love.

Compare that to a teenage girl who grew up reading young adult books featuring fantastical creatures such as vampires and werewolves fighting over a human girl, or handsome fallen angels coming to earth to save a damsel in distress. In her mind, love is when a mysterious and incredibly great-looking man appears in front of her and sweeps her off her feet.

Culture, media, and experiences shape how we come to define and understand love. Often, we make our own stories, which gives us carte blanche to come up with our own definitions of what love is, or what it should be.

HOW TO LOVE AND BE LOVED IN RETURN

From John Robert Lee’s detailed study of love and its six types, he came to the conclusion that the most mutually satisfying love affair or relationship can be achieved between two people, or partners, who follow the same definition of love and share the same style of loving. It would seem that he is not an advocate of the “opposites attract” theory, since the disparity in two people’s styles of loving is likely to drive a wedge between them and drive them apart, or it may not even give love a chance to bloom.

Sternberg’s take on the entire concept of love focuses on the three components, implying that, to experience consummate or complete love, all three must be present. Knowing those three components and being able to identify them in the realities of your relationships will help you identify what kind of love it is.

The million dollar question is: How will all this knowledge help us, personally, in loving others, and having them love us back? Here are some points for consideration:

Establish your awareness and set your criteria.

This is the first step in most life-changing decisions: you have to know who you are.

Are you someone that is easy to love? What do you have that will attract other people? What about you will grab their interest and draw them to you? On the other hand, what are you looking for in a person you will love? What do you expect from loving these people? What future do you envision? And what kind of love are you capable of? Incidentally, what types of love have you experienced and applied in the past?

These are only a few of the questions you need to ask yourself.

Psychologists also suggest lovemapping, or creating a mental checklist – called the “lovemap” – containing the criteria or standards that must be met by another person before you can decide whether to love them or not. This is basically your mental image of what you want in a potential relationship. In an example of a Personal Lovemap by relationship expert Rachel A. Sussman, the factors considered were biological, cultural, social and psychological. But your lovemap can be something that is purposefully designed with a potential love interest in mind.

And it does not have to be set in stone, either. Your lovemap should be a checklistt that contain the basics, which means they are the minimum requirement that must be met in order for that person to be considered for your loving. It could be anything from “He should have finished college and have a good, stable job” to “he must love cats and dogs” and “he must not mind having a talkative partner”.

Establish your presence, but respect their space.

You cannot possibly show your love when you are not present, can you? That person has to know that you exist, and that you plan on being a constant presence around him. You want to show him that you plan on sticking around, and he can count on you being there for him.

Along with this, however, is you demonstrating that you still respect his personal space. There are distances that are not meant to be crossed, even between two people already in a relationship, unless they agreed to do away with those lines. Show that you are still capable of respecting their personal space even while you are sticking close.

Let them know you love them.

This is often a problem among couples and those in loving relationships, even when they have been in these relationships for a long time. They do not let the other know how they feel. Often, they assume that, since they are already in a relationship, loving each other is already a foregone conclusion.

Guess what? Some people still need reassurance. Some people still appreciate being told that they are loved. And some people actually deserve to be told that they are loved. Repeatedly.

As much as we would want our partners to be mind-readers, it is most likely that they are not. No matter how secure you both are in your relationship and love for each other, it is still encouraged to let them know about it. Maybe not in so many words, but in actions – whether big or small. A soft touch, a warm smile, a short note, and even a single bloom plucked from the garden can speak volumes.

Make the person you love one of your priorities.

Maybe you can even make him or her your top priority. If you can’t, you should at least make sure he is up there on your list of priorities.

One way of expressing your love is to show how important they are to you. That they are a huge consideration in your major and minor decisions. That you cannot make a decision without taking into account how it will affect them. This is also an indication of your level of commitment to that person.

Now, how can you make them love you back? This may require some mind manipulation on your part.

Do your research about the person that you want to love you… and understand him.

Having your lovemap or checklist of criteria is not enough. According to relationship coach John Alex Clark, getting the basic information about the background and interests of that person will enable you to meet their criteria.

First of all, doing your research demonstrates your level of interest in that person, and that alone may get them to look at you with mirrored interest. You’re taking the initiative to get to know them in your own way, and this can be seen as a gutsy move by some.

Those 36 questions can increase your chances of making somebody fall in love with you according to some scientific experiments.

Show them that you are offering something that they need.

All the research you did earlier will come in handy. Take a look at a typical high school scenario, where the cheerleading team approaches the new girl in school, befriends her and recruits her to join them after a random ground performance enabled her to show off her dancing skills. That is because they saw in the new girl something that their team needs: new blood and new talent. You can apply the same principle here.

You have to identify what the other person needs, and find a way to meet that need. For example, a young woman harbored feelings for this guy since they attended the same classes the previous year. He’s smart, he’s friendly, but he also happens to easily get shy around people, especially those he isn’t close to. It’s clear he has problems with his confidence when he’s out of his comfort zone. The young woman grabs his attention by showing how confident she is, and he finds himself drawn to her, a spark of interest kindled.

This is because people tend to become drawn to people who are similar to them, but still provide a good contrast, such as when their weakness is the other’s strength. It is a natural reaction to be attracted to something that they don’t have and WANT to have. In the example above, the young man wants to be confident, and the young lady oozes it. This makes her, in his eyes, someone worth more than a second and third look.

Perform some brainwashing, but be subtle about it.

You want the object of your affection to think of you positively and look at you favorably, until his looks become loving and amorous. The bad news is that the process will involve some work. The good news is that it works. Here are several ways you may go about this.

• Enlist the help of your friends and mutual acquaintances, and have them put in a good word for you. It is highly likely that the object of your affection will start thinking you are awesome after hearing people he likes and trusts talk about it.
• Repetition is a good form of reinforcement. The other person is likely to get used to and accept you if you make it a point to remind him of your existence and presence repeatedly – without going overboard and becoming invasive and stalker-ish about it. Let him see you often. Also, make sure your mutual friends talk about you to him repeatedly. This repetition will further embed you in his mind… and hopefully his heart.

Show persistence and determination.

Love and relationships require those involved to put in time and energy, and you have to be willing to put in both if you want to achieve your goal. Behavioral science professor Elizabeth Kane said that putting more effort into a romantic relationship will ensure that one receives more love in return.

If you are the type to give up easily, then you probably never deserved to be loved in the first place. Persistence shows a strength of character, highlighting your dedication and determination, as well as your patience.

But you have to watch yourself, lest it reaches stalking level and you start demonstrating manic love. There is a fine line between chasing as a sign of persistence and chasing as a way to cling to that person. You have to know when and where to draw the line. Perhaps, if your efforts and feelings are still unreciprocated after so many attempts (and shows of persistence), then you should re-evaluate your actions and decisions. There are some battles that aren’t meant to be won, and this may be one of yours.

Make yourself indispensable to him.

Short of making him addicted to you, make it so that he won’t be able to picture living from day to day without you. A technique often done is the push-pull, where a woman will make the guy get used to having her around, caring for him until he is almost dependent on her, then withdrawing or pulling away for a strategic period of time, long enough for him to start missing her.

Now, for many, this may be a gamble, and others may be too scared to even try it. But it’s all in the execution and timing.

Be someone that deserves to be loved.

This is probably one of the most important things that one can do in order to be loved. Make sure that you will deserve that love. Put yourself in the shoes of the other person and look at yourself objectively. Are you easy to love? Or are there characteristics that you need to work on?

We often hear people say that, in order to be loved by others, you have to love yourself first. This is actually true, because you cannot expect someone else to love you when you do not even think that you are worth loving. By loving yourself first, you will have the confidence to move forward and express your love for someone that you want to love you back. By loving yourself, you are sending that person the silent message that he is making the right decision by choosing to love you.

Ultimately, healthy and fulfilling relationships dictate that, in order for you to receive love, you also have to give it. It’s a give-and-take scenario that should have no room for selfishness. Despite all the definitions of love floating around, it remains to be one of the most mysterious emotions. But that does not mean that we are entirely powerless in expressing it, and receiving it in return.